On the way to school this evening, I was listening to one of my Rufus Wainwright CDs. A song came on that I hadn't heard in forever, and it gave me a flashback to the day my kidneys crapped out after a procedure. On the way to the ER that evening, I was listening to "Beautiful Child" in the car. While symbolism in songs isn't my forte, to me that song is about dying without fear. Even though it was one of my favorite songs eva, I didn't catch on until I was faced with my own mortality that night, and it gave me chills. I was approaching the Naval Hospital gate with a high fever, sick, bloated, and in tons of pain because my kidneys had completely stopped working much earlier in the day and I was like, "Oh shit. What if this is the last song I ever hear?" That moment was filled with irony, and I thought to myself, "I want this song played at my funeral."

Before I go on, I know even in the worst case scenario it was nothing a little dialysis and/or a transplant couldn't fix, but it was still too...weird, and it felt real.

Anyway, despite tons of previous trips to the OR, I had never been afraid of something going wrong, most likely due to my unconditional love of medicine. When faced with the possibility of death (because I really did feel that sick) I wasn't afraid. I felt a huge imagery-rush of sadness about possibly leaving my kids too soon, but other than that, I was ready. I was heading to a safe place with a doctors and nurses who would take care of me, and I wouldn't have to worry about being strong and fighting the sickness anymore. My husband was home safe with the kids (it was the middle of the night). All was good. I haven't been burdened with the fear of the unknown since around middle school, so perhaps what I experienced is typical of other steadfast atheists. I was the mythical atheist in the foxhole in that moment, but really, it just wasn't an issue at all. I had a total, "It is what it is" moment while stumbling into the ER, I surrendered to the situation and felt at peace (although there's nothing particularly peaceful about a foley cath in a dry bladder #$^&!T@).

Okay I'm starting to ramble, and I hope all that didn't sound too melodramatic, but how many people get to experience that feeling? Obviously I'm still here, and all went well that evening, but his song left a huge mark on me that's still surreal today.