I've been intentioanlly bad.

Okay, it's been a while since I've written anything, mostly thanks to that successful ESWL procedure back in August, but I have something awful to confess. My secret isn't that I've started snorting random samples of animal protein or that I've become helplessly addicted to Red Bull (Drinking anything with taurine is like drinking kidney-failure-in-a-can for those of us with cystinuria!) I'm not doing something.

I'm not taking my potassium.

So that's my secret, which can also translate into, "My secret is that I'm the world's biggest dumbass."

But here's why: I'm afraid. I am so pathetically afraid of nausea that I'm afraid to even try these miracle pills. Here's what I've been told. Potassium in these doses lowers your blood pressure. For me, even slightly lowered blood pressure = [insert gross puking onomatopoeia here.] I've been traumatized by all of the nausea I've felt from blocked or failing kidneys, that I'd rather be in pain than experience one more second of nausea. Maybe the fact that I no longer have easy access to Zofran has something to do with my apprehension.

If my husband were here, this wouldn't be an issue. Since it's just me and the kids, I'm afraid. The reason I thought about posting this is because my husband will be home on leave later this month, and I will be able to test out these pills while he's here. I know any side effects won't last forever as people build up tolerances drugs like this. Maybe mine will build up before he goes back.

I like to think I'm a strong person, but as Dr. House once said, "Pain makes us make bad decisions; fear of pain makes us make even worse ones." While that's 110% true for me, pain and nausea are interchangeable in this context.

Just don't tell my urologist. Deal?